Get Help. Stop Domestic Abuse.
Hey, you. I am here for you. Why?
Because not everyone has someone who is happy to just listen.
You are probably hurting in a
thousand different ways, and nothing you can say can ever accurately explain
it. Maybe you have tried to open up to someone, but you said something very
general as a test, because you’re not sure if talking to anyone is a good idea.
“My boyfriend/ girlfriend/ spouse/ parent gets pretty angry at me,” you tell your friend. But you can’t say
anymore. It’s on the tip of your tongue to also tell them how you are called
names and treated like you don’t have a mind of your own. There are other
things too, like how this person has caused you physical pain, but you can’t,
just can’t bring yourself to say it out loud.
You’re afraid that your friend might
think you’re being dramatic or are just looking for attention, saying you should just get over it.
Or worse, they might respond by
saying, “What did you do to provoke them?”
THAT’S BULLSHIT. I want you to know
that if someone treats you in this horrible, dehumanizing way, it is not your
fault, and you are not alone. Survivors are everywhere. Some of us are silent.
Some of us make noise. But no matter how you lump it, we are all here. For you.
Use the #domesticviolence or #domesticabuse (and so many others) hashtags to
find some of us on social media. You can also call the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at (800) 799-7233.
Find your state below to seek a
nearby shelter where you can live while you heal and figure out what to do
next. But please, don’t think to yourself that you’re a horrible person. Don’t
think that you somehow deserve this treatment because you absolutely don’t. That
I can promise you.
Or click on one of the following states for a domestic violence website if you're a victim, friend or relative of a victim, would like some answers, or would like to support these organizations.
Additionally, I have come across this extremely useful site for college students in North Carolina. Please take a few minutes to go through this website to gather information to help a friend or yourself. It has tips for reporting rape on campus, getting restraining orders and protective orders for students, myths vs. facts, where to get help, and more.
Domestic abuse is not a matter to be taken lightly in any form.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines domestic abuse as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse occurs in all types of relationships, socioeconomic statuses, and religions.
you would like to help women and children suffering from domestic
violence, please contact your local women's shelter and ask what
donations or volunteering they need.
If you need someone to talk to, please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY), or logon to http://www.thehotline.org.
are some very informative sites that cover different aspects of
domestic violence, including what causes it, connections to substance
abuse, homelessness, and prostitution. There are also a couple that
discuss financial escape plans.
Please note that I have not thoroughly gone through each site, but I am confident that they will be helpful.
Here is a Dear Abby article I found from 2004. Read this list of danger signs of a potential absuer.
WIFE REGRETS IGNORING SIGNS THAT WARNED OF BAD MARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, my husband let it slip that he wants a divorce. Since we were married, his personality has changed completely. He is not the man I married.
I would like to pass along some tips for anyone considering marriage, and share some of the bright-red flags I chose to ignore.
If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.
If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one person's fault.
If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.
Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.
If he's over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you, and don't marry him until he's financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it.
Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.
This is a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true that they all chose to side with his ex.
If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.
If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, run!
If he is one personality at work or with others, and another person alone with you, run.
If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it.
If he's an expert at everything and brags a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, eventually maybe even you.
If he has sexual problems, go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.
If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.
If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.
If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ( )," that's another sign of an abuser.
And if he's mean to children, pets or animals, recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.
I am now 100 percent disabled and in danger of losing everything. I was taken in by someone who came to regard me as a disposable item. I only hope my letter will save someone else from the heartbreak I'm experiencing. -- EYES WIDE OPEN IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: Your letter is brimming with well-thought-out advice, and I hope my readers will heed it. Now I have some advice for you: Start asking around for the name of the best divorce lawyer you can find, and be prepared for a fight. I wish you luck.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.